The ISFJ is known as “The Protector”, and this is for a good reason. They are known to be very warm-hearted and responsible people who look out for others. They adhere to the highest of standards. However, the same can’t be said for the unhealthy ISFJ
In this article, you’ll know who the unhealthy ISFJ is, how to spot them, and how to help them eliminate their dark sides. Shall we?
The Unhealthy ISFJ
The unhealthy ISFJ has several negative characteristics. People have their not-so-perfect sides, but this doesn’t mean that they’re bad. You have to see a long chain of negative habits for you to classify someone as an unhealthy ISFJ.
However, one pronounced negative characteristic of the unhealthy ISFJ is that they don’t respect themselves. They accommodate everyone, even though it will affect their lives drastically. They are poor at setting boundaries when it comes to relationships.
Now, how can you spot an unhealthy ISFJ? What are the signs to look out for?
Let’s find out
How to Spot the Unhealthy ISFJ
They often live in denial
The unhealthy ISFJ often lives in denial about their present realities. They often block out things or aspects of their lives they don’t want to address or run away from situations that are beyond their control. They will find things to distract their attention instead of facing their fears.
When a problem has gotten to the extreme, the healthy ISFJ will take responsibility and try to solve it. But the Unhealthy ISFJ will refuse to think about the problem. They’d probably even avoid the conversation.
This often affects them in their relationships and business and creates more problems than they can handle.
They barely care for themselves
The healthy ISFJ understands boundaries. They know how to care for and protect everyone else, but strive to keep some time for themselves. The unhealthy ISFJ, however, lacks self-care.
They go about helping and caring for others without considering their mental and physical health. They feel they are responsible for everyone, including holding up their burdens and problems.
Now, this isn’t to say that you shouldn’t come through for people. Far from it. But the only priority in your life should be YOU. The unhealthy ISFJ helps everyone often at their expense.
This leads to other problems, like feeling unworthy of love, care, and attention. They should learn how to practice self-care activities more often.
Complaining without action
No one is perfect. There is a difference between having a negative trait and having a weakness. One primary weakness of ISFJs is that they complain a lot. They complain about the littlest things anyone can ignore or overlook.
However, the unhealthy ISFJ does more than complain. They do absolutely nothing to change their situation. This is often attributed to the fact that ISFJs love to kiss ass. They can bear the brunt of a situation with pain but smile as though they’re unaffected.
For instance, if someone offends them, they can complain about the person’s behavior all day but never approach the people to iron things out. In most cases, they will even smile and act like everything’s okay.
This can cause them to be very unhappy and depressed. There’s only so much a person can endure.
They don’t have defined values and opinions
Having no personal defined values and opinions can be one of the worst things anybody can have. Because the unhealthy ISFJ comes through for every other person, they hardly have defined values and opinions. They stand for everything and nothing. They usually follow the weight of the crowd.
This is bad because it leaves them following the wind all the time. They follow the opinions of people who they cherish, whether they’re right or wrong. Loyalty is their watchword. They’re ready to buy into your idea and pursue it as though it were theirs.
If they’re not careful, they will forsake their dreams and goals.
They keep grudges easily
ISFJs love to show care to other people, even though it takes a toll on them. They would rather swallow insult and pain than let the other person know that they’re hurt by their actions. This makes them hold grudges and keep a record of hurtful actions easily.
But they will smile and act like all is well because they want to keep up with the public appearance.
Everyone knows that keeping a grudge is unhealthy. People who keep grudges find themselves constantly thinking about the offender and being resentful. This can also cause them to get angry at unrelated things.
They are passive-aggressive
One common weakness of the ISFJ is poor communication. They struggle to express themselves properly, and this affects every area of their life. Of course, this can get worse with the unhealthy ISFJ.
When they feel they’re misunderstood, they turn to passive-aggressive behavior. Signs of passive-aggressive behavior include giving someone the silent treatment, deflecting blame to other people, making excuses, or failing to pull through what they planned to.
They might even go as far as silently sabotaging other people by gossiping or spreading fake rumors
If all these are not dealt with, this can lead to several issues in their private and professional interactions.
They are very critical
Unhealthy ISFJs are very critical people. They find fault with themselves and others. For themselves, they’re quick to find faults in their actions, thoughts, and intentions. This is because they lack self-love. It can lead to low self-esteem and reduce their confidence.
For others, they become critical when the other party says or does something that doesn’t align with them.
Unhealthy ISFJs have very linear lives. It’s either left or right, black or white, or good and evil. There are no buts or exceptions. This is why they only interact with people they agree with or are familiar with.
Good at subtle guilt trips
The unhealthy ISFJ is good at subtly guilt-tripping people when things are not going their way.
They wouldn’t openly complain about the situation of things. Instead, they would find a way to indirectly make the other party feel bad and take responsibility for the wrongdoing.
How To Treat The Unhealthy ISFJ
Become more self-aware
Many people accept this unhealthy pattern as a way of life without realizing it. So many people have disruptive childhoods. Some are victims of abuse and domestic violence from their caregivers.
Once you’re aware that you’re in this category, read all you can. Find out your strengths, weaknesses, and situations that can trigger your negative traits. Also, find out about your attachment style and how it can affect your relationships.
This will help you to tailor your response to certain situations. When you know better, you do better.
Set healthy boundaries
You can learn to set healthy boundaries as an introvert. ISFJs are used to please other people. But you can set boundaries that allow you to share your space with others only when you want to, not need to.
If you’re not invited to an event, don’t go. Once the time for closure of work reaches, leave the remaining work for the next day. When someone has a problem, do the best you can and allow them to bear the burden of their problems. You’re not their savior.
Note that not everyone will be glad that you’re setting these boundaries. The people that benefit from your lack of self-care wouldn’t be too excited. But know that healthy boundaries help to filter the people in your life.
The people that won’t accept will walk out of your life. Those that will, will adjust their lifestyle.
Live life for yourself
ISFJs are used to living their lives for others. If this is you, it should change. Deep down, you know that your life can be better than this. This is why you complain about everything all the time.
Learn to live life for yourself. Pursue your dreams and goals. If your workplace is mentally draining you, resign. Upgrade your skills and get a better job. Stay away from emotionally draining and manipulative family members and friends.
Read that book. Travel. Make new friends. Do things that serve you, not the other way round. You’d be surprised at how much change you can bring to your life.
Learn to speak up
ISFJs struggle with communication. One way to improve on this is to be more expressive about your feelings. Don’t be afraid to have personal opinions or a value system, even though they don’t necessarily align with what your loved ones think. Your life is yours, not theirs.
If someone hurt you, say it out. Don’t keep it to yourself and allow it to build up resentment. Once you feel a grudge building up, deal with it immediately.
Consult a Therapist
Many people are suffering from childhood traumas that they’re unaware of. These experiences may have been so minute, so they didn’t believe that they could have such a profound impact on the way they respond to issues.
A therapist will help you to identify these traumas and deal with them decisively. It will be a slow but worthwhile journey to recovery.
