Avoidant Attachment style is one of the four types of attachment styles. Just as the name implies, people with this attachment style find it hard to commit to anything. This often affects their casual, business, and romantic relationships.
There is so much weird stigma around the avoidant attachment style. Although it’s feared for a reason, the avoidant attachment style has its perks. These people are able to rebound from a relationship faster than most people would.
It is often interpreted as being shallow or irresponsible. But it’s a coping mechanism. This resilience and detachment is an offspring of the attachment style (which is not acknowledged enough)
What is an attachment style?
The attachment style is rooted in the attachment theory. It is simply an attitude that is cultivated and expressed when connecting with people.
Our attachment style forms from childhood. Our parents and caregivers were sources of provision, love, security, and attention. Any interaction with them shapes how you interact with other people, and this forms the bane of your attachment style.
Any child can form secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant attachment styles, depending on the nature of this interaction.
What causes avoidant attachment style?
The avoidant attachment style is developed when the parent or caregiver doesn’t show care or concern. They not only don’t respond to the physical needs of the child adequately, like providing good food, shelter, and clothing but also to the emotional needs of the child. When their child wants something, they downplay it or regard it as something inconsequential.
The child, then, begins to disregard their needs and feelings when they’re close to their caregiver because of this lack of concern. They don’t share their issues or problems in order to please their caregiver. In most cases, they tend to absorb their feelings and emotions and deal with them alone, much to their detriment.
This grows with them into adulthood and affects their friendships, business connections, romantic relationships, and even their self-esteem. The anxious attachment style is the third most common attachment style globally.
What parental behaviors can cause a child to have this attachment style?
Ignoring or suppressing a child’s cry
Parents who constantly ignore their children when they cry are breeding the avoidant attachment style. In other cases, the parent or caregiver may try to suppress the child’s cry either by threat or violence. They do this without finding out what the child’s problem is and how they can help.
This sends a subconscious message to these children that their feelings don’t matter. So, they wouldn’t bother crying or expressing their feelings when they have a need.
Being emotionally unreactive
When children are not praised for their achievements or shown emotions, they develop the avoidant attachment style. Some parents lack empathy and are emotionally unreactive to whatever the child does. In some cases, they may even bring down their self-esteem by comparing them to other people.
Getting angry when a child has a problem
When a child complains about a problem to their parent or caregiver, he/she expects that they will offer some form of temporary or permanent relief. In situations where the parent gets angry with the child over the problem, the child may never open up again.
Laughing at the child’s problem
Now, not everything has to be violent. Some parents are fond of laughing off their children’s problems. They may also unintentionally make fun of their children in front of others to appear friendly or funny. This makes the children shove in their feelings and stay mute.
Little to no physical contact
Children who are rarely hugged, cuddled, or shown affection tend to develop this attachment style. They aren’t aware of such forms of love because they were never shown it.
In most cases, such parents who treat their kids that way were either plunged into parenthood early and unprepared, or have some form of mental disorder.
Avoidant attachment style signs in children
How do you know that a child has an avoidant attachment style?
They Avoid Eye Contact
Children who grow up with distant parents avoid eye contact on all levels. They end up having low self-esteem and doubting their worth.
They Hardly Ask for Help
In most cases, children who are developing this attachment style hardly ask for help or open up about their problems. This is because they’ve been shut down by their parents or caregivers so much that they don’t have the courage to ask for anything.
They Hate Physical Touch
Have you ever noticed a child that hates people touching any part of their body? That child is most likely developing the avoidant attachment style. This is because they’re not exposed to that kind of affection.
Avoidant Attachment Style Signs in Adults
How do you know an adult has an avoidant attachment style? You may be asking, “How do I know that I am avoidant?”
They hate physical touch
People that have avoidant attachment have always hated physical touch. They are scared of intimacy on all levels. You’d never see someone with this attachment style having their best love language as physical touch. Most of them use gifting as a way of covering up their hatred for intimacy.
If they date someone that loves physical touch and intimacy, maybe a secure or an anxious person, they accuse them of being clingy or overprotective. They are scared that if they get too close to their partner, they may get hurt or shut down again.
They suck at expressing love or emotions
Adults that have this attachment style don’t know how to express love or show their emotions. They’re poor communicators, so they bear grudges and tend to get very violent when pushed to the wall.
They don’t rely on their partners in tough times, and they don’t allow their partners to rely on them.
They don’t know how to ask for help
People with this attachment style were always shut down as children, so they hate asking for help from their romantic partners, friends, or family members. This often makes them be aggressive or competitive, even when the occasion doesn’t call for it.
Sense of calm in messy situations
In normal situations where people get highly tensed and stressed, people with avoidant attachment are surprisingly calm. They are masters of detachment in every area of their life.
They don’t place too much importance on anything, from relationships and friendships to businesses. When there is a breakup, they’re super quick to move on.
They have a problem committing to relationships
In most cases, adults with avoidant attachment find it hard to commit to relationships. This doesn’t only apply to romantic relationships but also to casual relationships. They might struggle to maintain financial relationships because of their jobs or businesses.
They value freedom over any form of partnership.
Avoidant attachment style in relationships
As the name implies, people with this attachment style avoid intimacy in their relationships more than anything. They are scared that opening up to someone may cause them pain and hurt in the long run.
Now, you may think that the avoidant person is the worst to date amongst the four attachment styles. But that is not the case. They are not bad people. Just damaged. Know that there is no damage in this world that can’t be patched up and used adequately.
If you have this attachment style, it’s possible to be in a loving and healthy relationship. You aren’t going to lose out.
When you’ve identified your attachment style and found it out to be this, it’s not advisable to date another avoidant person. This is because there will be a lack of intimacy and pleasure on both sides and the relationship will eventually crumble.
Also, it’s not advisable to date an anxiously attached person. This is because such persons need constant validation and love. They love physical touch and intimacy. If you date them, you’ll find them clingy and touchy. You’ll only end up triggering their anxiety and questioning their self-worth.
The best person for you to date is the secure person. Such a person will understand your behaviors and needs, and adjust their expectations to suit you. Plus, they will help you to become more self-aware.
Luckily, secure people make up over 50% of the global population, so there are enough secure people to go around.
Avoidant Attachment Style Triggers
What could cause an avoidant person to withdraw or feel like leaving a relationship? Here are some possible triggers:
When their partner wants to open up emotionally
As mentioned earlier, they’re not very good support systems in relationships. They don’t know how to be an emotional backbone for their partner. So, they don’t know how to respond to their partner when he/she opens up emotionally. This is something they’d have never done themselves.
When they have to depend on others
People with avoidant attachment hate depending on other people because they’re scared of being hurt. They deal with their issues and traumas themselves, and in most cases, it never turns out well.
When the relationship takes too much of their time and attention
People with this attachment style value their freedom more than anything else. When their partner starts demanding their time, attention, and presence, they suddenly feel suffocated. This causes them to be distant in their relationships.
When they’re judged by their loved ones
One of the reasons such people like to deal with their problems privately is to avoid judgment. They hate being criticized for being emotional. It’s hard for them to do something wrong publicly or try to be vulnerable with someone. If they do and they get judged for it, it triggers them. They’ll run back to their shell.
Unpredictable circumstances
They hate being in circumstances that they can’t control, that they have no hand in the outcome. This puts them on the edge
How to change avoidant attachment style
Avoidant attachment style prevents people from having happy and healthy relationships. This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, but also to relationships with your friends, family members, and colleagues.
The first step to changing this attachment style is self-awareness. Once you realize that your attachment style is not giving you the results you want in your various relationships, you can change it. You can change your attachment style from avoidant to secure attachment through therapy.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help you by identifying the behaviors and thoughts that led to the development of this attachment style in the first place. It will help you to build your self-confidence and develop secure attachment over time.
