Secure Attachment Style develops when someone has a healthy childhood relationship with their caregivers. Our childhood relationship unconsciously determines our approach to adult relationships.
When you understand your attachment style, your response to situations and relationships becomes somewhat predictable.
As you grow older, you’d realize that some people need constant validation and reassurance. They appear somewhat clingy and always need people around them to boost their self-esteem. In most cases, they don’t know how to be happy living alone.
Other people, however, tend to be distant and aloof in their relationships. They like human relationships but try not to get too involved in them. Their individual responses are often affected by their attachment styles.
People who develop secure attachments tend to have healthy and whole relationships. It’s the healthiest attachment style there is. Such people trust others and have others trust them wholeheartedly. They love people and crave emotional intimacy.
However, they’re independent in every sense of the word. They know how to give people space when needed. Their self-worth is not defined by your response. They are not afraid of being alone.
Children who grow up in healthy environments respond to positive care from their caregivers positively. They get angry when their caregivers leave and get happy when they return. In the absence of a caregiver, they’re able to receive love and care from other people. They prefer that love from their caregivers, though.
Parents of secured children are very responsive to their children’s needs. They spend more time with them and find out what sets them on or off. Such parents know when to give their children space. However, they don’t stay too far. They stay close to serving as a source of emotional support to their children.
As these children grow, they are known to be less aggressive and more caring and empathetic than their counterparts with insecure attachments.
Now, if secure attachments are so wonderful, why does everyone not develop them? Why do people form insecure attachments in the first place?
Why Do People Not Form Secure Attachments?
It’s easy for children to idolize their parents. Our parents may be facing very tough times, but at that age, it’s easy to assume that we’re always the problem. We assume their feelings and failures as ours.
It’s not our fault. We’re conditioned to act this way as children. Parents/Caregivers at that tender age are pillars of our survival. Children depend on them for everything. Their self-worth is somewhat hinged on their praise and approval. This is why it’s easy to assume the responsibilities of their parents’ failures and disappointments.
Now, some parents are not primed to love or support their children. This is often a result of their upbringing and childhood experiences. However, love helps to fuel our self-identity, especially our children. When someone loves you, they give you a gift that keeps giving. Parents who love their children authentically boost their self-esteem unconsciously.
Children who are starved of love have little to no idea of what real love feels like. Therefore, they are vulnerable to all kinds of predatory advances. They have low self-worth, so their choice of a partner often reflects their personal value and worth system.
This is why those who always need constant reaffirmation and reassurance get anxious and distressed when their partners are not close to them. Other people may fear intimacy and prevent people from getting too close to them. They might even reject someone that truly cares about them because they’re used to sabotaging every good thing in their life.
Signs of Secure Attachment
What are the signs that a child is developing secure attachment?
They show their unhappiness when their caregiver is away
You can detect that they are not happy when their caregiver goes away due to uncontrollable factors. They clearly show their distress. However, this doesn’t prevent them from opening up to other people, even strangers.
They show their happiness when their caregiver comes back
These children don’t hide their joy when their parents or caregiver returns. You can find them expectantly looking out the window or running out to embrace them warmly. Their parents’ presence gives them some form of comfort and safety.
They are comfortable taking risks
They are comfortable exploring their environments. This is because they know their parents or caregivers are solidly behind them. They can always run to them whenever they need help.
They are emotionally vulnerable to their caregivers
These children can tell their parents anything. This doesn’t mean that they will be intentionally mischievous because they can get away with it. It only means that they know that their parents will always be there for them. They are constantly reassured of their parents’ firm love.
What are the signs of secure attachment in adults?
They are masters of emotional self-regulation
They are good at regulating their emotions. In most cases, they don’t get overwhelmed when they feel either positive or negative emotions. This is why they are not easily manipulated or controlled.
Excellent at expressing emotions and communicating
Adults with secure attachment are excellent communicators. They understand how important communication is in any relationship, so they always want to understand every little detail about their partner.
When it comes to love languages, they’re willing to express it as long as it makes their partner happy. This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. They are great at expressing emotions and moving on from situations that don’t give them peace.
Great at setting boundaries in relationships
Adults with secure attachment go all-in when it comes to relationships, especially personal ones. They know how to shower their loved ones with their time, presence, gifts, and affection. However, they know their worth, so they have no problem defining boundaries in any relationship. They know when to give people space or leave them alone.
They are not scared of being alone
This is one of the attributes that make them stand out. One of the reasons why people with insecure attachment tend to stay in toxic and abusive relationships is that they don’t know how to be happy alone. They stay in these bad relationships and endure all forms of ill-treatment.
People with secure attachment know that they’re worth more than diamonds. So, they’d never stay in a situation that doesn’t benefit them. They’ll leave if they’re being ridiculed or if their feelings are not respected.
That way, they maintain their value and self-dignity.
They know how to overcome obstacles in a relationship
They know how to go all-in when it comes to relationships, especially romantic ones. People in such relationships are willing to overcome the trials and temptations that may occur, even though they lose their peace for a minute.
It can be a job loss, death of a loved one, financial difficulties, or sickness. Whatever the case may be, know that people with secure attachment tend to stick by their loved ones through thick and thin.
How to develop Secure Attachment Style As An Adult
Now, it’s obvious that developing a secure attachment style leads to healthier and better relationships. However, life is never a bed of roses. Everyone is not privileged to grow up in loving and understanding environments.
The world is tough and it seems as though evil keeps growing and spreading daily. It’s becoming increasingly difficult for children to grow up without having traumatizing or scarring experiences.
So, if your childhood has condemned you to have an insecure attachment style, are you doomed for life? Is it possible to rewire your attachment style?
Yes. Here are a few things you can do:
Do things that you love:
Our attachment style is mostly based on our self-esteem. So, it’s very important to do things that we love and/or the things we’re great at. The more we do them, the more we feel confident in our abilities.
Immerse yourself in activities or causes that you’re passionate about. It’s okay if you don’t know what you’re good at right now. You’ll soon discover it.
Be physically fit
Everything becomes better when you’re in great physical shape. Look after your physical appearance. Go to the gym regularly. Eat healthy foods. Take less sugar and bad carbohydrates. It’s a form of self-care and it helps to boost your emotional strength.
Physical activities can greatly reduce the risk of terminal diseases like cancer and some cardiovascular diseases
Take calculated risks
Staying in your comfort zone is never a good thing. Even though you may want to stay in a place that makes you feel comfortable and warm, it also makes you relaxed. Ensure that you take calculated risks.
Do things that push you outside of your comfort zone for a change, but don’t stretch yourself. If you fail, you gain experience. But if you succeed, you boost your self-esteem and confidence. You’d be amazed at how much strength and courage you have.
Be kind to yourself
Speak to yourself with kindness. A lot of people with insecure attachment styles feel like crap because they talk to themselves like one. But when they speak to other people, who in most cases are way less good than they are, they talk to them with respect and love.
If your self-belief system is harsh and critical, then you need to re-evaluate yourself. Do you speak to others that way? If not, then why do you speak to yourself in such a manner? Learn to treat yourself with the same level of kindness, compassion, and respect you give to others. You deserve it more than anyone else.
Become self-aware
Be willing to ask difficult questions. Sometimes, people are scared of being alone because they’re often scared of the truths they’d realize. But that is the only way to grow. Understand why things are working out the way they are. Know the childhood traumas that trigger the feelings you get from these experiences.
That way, you’re better able to redirect and re-organize your life. You’d be shocked at how much progress you’d make.
