A Covert Narcissist isn’t very easy to identify. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can be expressed in different forms. Most people are used to narcissists being very loud and exaggerated. They feel like they’re better than everyone else, and they let people know they think this way.
However, covert narcissists have this personality disorder in a subtle way. A covert narcissist is also known as an introverted narcissist because they appear very modest and shy, but deep down they have several deep-rooted emotional issues.
Covert narcissists are also known as introverted narcissists.
Before delving into what covert narcissism is all about, what is NPD?
What is Narcissism?
The word ‘narcissism’ is thrown around very carelessly today. It’s often casually used to describe people who are self-centered or absorbed. However, narcissism can be a serious mental disorder.
There is a difference between simply having narcissistic personality traits and narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is diagnosed clinically.
Narcissists are people who have an exaggerated and elevated sense of self. They have seemingly endless amounts of energy and are unusually enthusiastic about things. In most cases, they would rather make decisions based on their seeming self-importance instead of facts.
This comes as no surprise that they’re unable to make real connections with other people. They feel they’re special and so owe no one any form of empathy. In most cases, they don’t mind using other people to get what they want, even though it will hurt them.
Who is a Covert Narcissist?
People naturally know narcissists as highly extroverted individuals who specialize in making everything about them. Covert narcissists, however, are the direct opposite. They use psychological behaviors to hide their true characters and intentions. Their superpower is subtle manipulation.
They look very shy, modest, and cowardly, but they’re just as dangerous as any narcissist can be. Their innocent demeanor makes their manipulation appear less harmful.
Covert narcissists are usually emotionally fragile. They don’t handle criticisms well and tend to cower when someone points out their bad behaviors. You can find them constantly comparing themselves to other people. They’re always stressed, highly burned out, and worried.
Read: Narcissists VS Empaths: A Dangerous Love Affair
Root Causes of Covert Narcissism
Just like any other personality dysfunction, covert narcissism starts breeding in childhood.
While the exact causes of covert narcissism are yet discovered, there are different factors that could cause a child to develop it. What are they?
- Children who believe that they are better than other people because of their family’s achievements and status
- Prolonged abuse
- Personality type
- Excessive pampering from parents/caregivers
There is no definite factor, however, that makes a child develop covert or overt narcissism
Signs of A Covert Narcissist
How can you spot a covert narcissist? They are usually very shy and quiet, but also very manipulative and conniving. It’s often difficult to spot them at first glance
Here are twelve signs of a covert narcissist to look out for:
They are shy and withdrawn
Covert narcissism is also known as introverted narcissism for a reason. Most of them are introverts who are often very shy and less social. They barely interact with people because they’re scared of being vulnerable or allowing others to see their weaknesses
They don’t project their self-importance directly
Overt or extroverted narcissists often demand attention and support from other people. They exaggerate their importance and let people know that they are better.
Covert narcissists, on the other hand, demand the same attention but they do it in subtle, unnoticeable ways.
Instead of exaggerating their self-importance, they’d rather downplay their talents and achievements so that others will reassure them of how important they are. This way, they exaggerate their importance through other people.
They don’t take criticisms lightly
Most narcissists are very insecure, so it comes as no surprise that covert narcissists don’t know how to handle criticisms properly.
When someone criticizes a cover narcissist, their reactions are internally extreme. They may feel angry, humiliated, frustrated, or sad, but are good at using sarcastic remarks to hide their true feelings.
They hold grudges for long
Covert narcissists are excellent at holding grudges for a very long time. If you do them wrong, they wouldn’t come clean and tell you that you hurt them. Instead, they’ll bottle up all their emotions and wait for a perfect time to take revenge.
They give with an aim
Most narcissists are not generous people. They wouldn’t give or help people if it wouldn’t benefit them in some way. The covert narcissist is not very different. They would only give when it puts them in a good light.
For instance, they would only contribute to a project if other distinguished people are present. Giving and helping is more about them than the less privileged.
Great at faking empathy
In most cases, they look compassionate and empathetic, but it’s all fake. They only portray that to look good to other people or win admiration.
They neglect other people’s emotions
A typical characteristic of a narcissist is their inability to cultivate emotional bonds with other people. The same applies to the covert narcissist. They may look emotionally accessible, but their entire goal is to make the other person look small.
For instance, a covert narcissist will never acknowledge that they wronged you. Instead, they will portray themselves as the victims or as people who have gone through worse. They would also hardly ever compliment anyone
Inner grand fantasies
As mentioned earlier, covert narcissists don’t exaggerate their self-importance the way overt narcissists do. They’d rather think about their grand fantasies than talk about them. In their little world, they’re more brilliant and intelligent than everyone else.
Highly Envious People
It’s normal for narcissists to feel envious of other people. Once they feel that you have what they don’t have, you become an object of envy. Covert narcissists may not voice it out, but the feelings of resentment, anger, and bitterness often leak out through their words and actions.
Highly depressed
Covert narcissists deal with a lot of depression more than other types of narcissists. Their fantasies harbour a perfect life, but their real lives are nothing like it. This makes them feel empty and sometimes harbour suicidal thoughts.
Experts at subtle emotional manipulation
Covert narcissists are obsessed with achieving their goals. They’re willing to do anything to achieve this, even if it means emotionally manipulating other people. The problem is that they do it in a very subtle, non-suggesting way that you’d not know that you’re being manipulated.
Great at blaming other people
Covert narcissists never take responsibility for their wrong actions. Instead, they will turn the tables around and blame you for their response. They will emotionally abuse you and make themselves look like the victim so that others will take their side.
This may cause you to doubt self-worth or value.
How to Handle A Covert Narcissist
When you have spotted a covert narcissist, how do you deal with them? How do you prevent their actions from leaving an imprint on you?
Set a reasonable distance
Relating with a covert narcissist can be emotionally draining and overwhelming. You may be very close to them that it becomes hard to create some form of distance.
But you have to. Communicating with such a person can have a bad impact on your self-esteem and mental health. Limit as much personal interactions you have with them as much as possible.
This may involve taking your lunch break somewhere far from the usual, moving to a different place, boycotting certain meetings, or even blocking their contacts. Setting healthy boundaries will give you the space you need to heal.
Ask Others
Sometimes, our opinions can be flawed. It’s good to gather information from several people about a person’s pattern of behavior.
These people must be observant and highly opinionated. Don’t take the opinions of people who have fallen for the covert narcissist’s charms and deceptions. When most of these people agree with your view, then you know you’re right about the person
Talk to the person about it
Now, this depends on your relationship with the person. Most narcissists don’t believe that they’re one. They even feel that they’re better than everyone else, so you have no right to question their behavior or actions.
However, you can’t notice a pattern of behavior in someone you care deeply about and not do anything. Most covert narcissists don’t even know that they’re narcissists because the effects don’t seem pronounced.
If you recommend some form of treatment and they don’t adhere, at least you know that you tried.
Don’t take their actions to heart
It’s easy to take emotional manipulations very personally. Their actions resulting from their sense of entitlement and exaggerated importance can hurt people deeply.
However, it’s important to not take their actions to heart. Don’t take responsibility for how they treat you. It has nothing to do with you. It’s simply who they are. They take advantage of you when they make you feel small.
Learn to Speak Up
Most narcissists thrive when their victims don’t speak up against them. They will manipulate and emotionally abuse you to the point that you feel that your words don’t weigh enough.
Learn to love yourself. This involves knowing your self-worth, your skills and talents, and praising yourself for your seemingly little achievements. When you speak up against a narcissist continuously, they’ll be less likely to cross your path again.
End the Relationship
Even the best treatments and support can’t change some covert narcissists. Your mental health will only deteriorate as time passes. At this point, it’s best to end the relationship to preserve your health.
