The fearful-avoidant attachment style is one of the insecure attachment styles. It is otherwise known as the disorganized attachment and is the rarest of the attachment styles, with only about 5% of the global population with it.
This attachment style is a mix of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. It occurs when adults crave and long for intimacy and attention, but avoid it with all their might. This attachment style could threaten every relationship the carrier tries to create, if not dealt with.
Now, this isn’t to scare anyone or make anyone feel bad about their childhoods. We understand from the attachment theory that we develop all attachment styles from childhood. It’s impossible to choose our parents. We didn’t ask for the kind of childhood experiences we got. But once we become self-aware, we can change for the better.
Ready to know more? Let’s delve in.
What Causes Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style?
As mentioned earlier, fearful-avoidant Attachment is a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. The person craves love and attention on so many levels but runs away from situations that will foster this love.
People with anxious attachment request more intimacy and closeness in their relationships, which may make them appear to be very needy and clingy. Those with avoidant attachment push people away from their actions. Then, imagine someone with these two insecure attachment styles combined.
They believe that they’re unworthy of love, so they withdraw from relationships before the other person supposedly rejects them. It’s like wanting something so badly but pushing it away when it’s presented before you.
Children who develop this attachment style often have problematic childhood experiences. One of the major factors that can affect this attachment style is trauma.
The child is often afraid of their caregiver. On one hand, they find themselves needing love and attention, but get scared of their caregiver’s response when they get too close. They often respond to life situations with inconsistent and incoherent behaviors.
Sometimes, these children grow up with parents who are psychologically dysfunctional, and so they take it out on them. These parents may be battling with their inner demons. They may be physical and emotional abusers, alcoholics, pedophiles, depressed, disturbed, or highly negligent.
Once a child grows up with such a parent, they end up developing this attachment style. It’s hard for others to understand them as adults, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
One minute they may crave all the love and attention in the world. But the next minute, they’re pushing everything and everyone away.
Signs of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style in Children
How do you know that a child has fearful-avoidant attachment?
The child wants love and affection but runs away
When a child requests love and affection from their caregiver but runs away once it’s portrayed, the child may have this attachment style. They want this intimacy but they’re scared that it would get ruined.
They exhibit abnormal behaviors
In most cases, they exhibit very abnormal behaviors. For instance, they look away when the caregiver tries to stare into their eyes to talk to them. They can scream at their caregiver to gain their attention.
The child doesn’t know how to be vulnerable around other people
They don’t know how to be vulnerable or emotional with other people. Vulnerability is a sign of weakness to them. They’d rather handle their problems by themselves, even though they’d handle them poorly.
The child doesn’t have personal boundaries
Children with the fearful-avoidant attachment style have difficulty in setting boundaries. For instance, they can discuss very personal and intimate things with strangers, feeling no guilt or remorse. They treat people they know and strangers in almost the same way.
They hardly make and keep friends
It’s quite difficult to see a child with this attachment style having and keeping long-term friendships. Their interactions with other people are often short-term and superficial.
They feel very insecure
Such a child feels very unsafe and insecure. They are often very pessimistic and always look out for negative happening to prove their point.
Poor emotional self-regulation
They don’t know how to regulate their emotions. When they feel any negative emotion, they tend to express it in the harshest and most bizarre way possible. They don’t know how to calm themselves in stressful situations.
Signs of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style In Adults
When this attachment style grows with the child, how can you identify the signs in adulthood?
They avoid intimate situations
When the opportunity for intimacy presents itself, they run away. They avoid any situation that will bring them close to their partners because of fear of rejection. Their childhood experiences have made them to distrust or avoid depending on other people.
Very poor state of health
Adults with this attachment style have the lowest self-esteem. Theirs are lower than everyone else’s. They harbor very negative emotions for long periods, strengthening the level of their distrust. Their health also suffers greatly because of this.
They don’t know how to seek or give help
When they go through difficult situations, they’d rather die in silence than seek help. Vulnerability is weakness to them. Their scare of intimacy doesn’t also allow them to lend a helping hand to others. If they manage to, they often do it from a distance to avoid emotional attachment.
They are always anxious
The fearful-avoidant attachment style is a combination of both anxious and avoidant styles. They want their emotional needs to be met in any relationship, but somehow they feel they’re not worth this love and attention.
This forces them to act in bizarre, confusing, and conflicting ways. Their behavior may also push their partners away even though they love them dearly. This anxiety stems from the negative impression they have of themselves.
They’re masters of detachment
They’ve experienced several rejections from people, so they’re masters of detachment. When they’re troubled or stressed out, they have a detachment strategy to help them deal with it.
They don’t know how to sympathize with people. Their discomfort or dilemma may even make them uncomfortable. The more their loved ones get upset, the more they detach themselves.
However, they find it difficult to cope with the loss of a loved one.
Fearful-avoidant attachment style in relationships
This attachment style makes people have troubled relationships with no depth, intimacy, or commitment. They make their relationships very unpredictable, disorganized, and chaotic. Most of them thrive in abusive relationships, either as the victim or as the abuser.
A good number of them turn out to be narcissistic.
Here are some common behaviors that are exhibited in their relationships
They don’t know how to commit to relationships
Relationships scare them. Intimacy scares them. This makes it hard for them to commit to long-term relationships. They’d rather settle for non-monogamous relationships or situations, something they can easily wiggle out of.
They run away from relationship conflicts
Healthy conflicts are normal parts of a relationship. People in romantic relationships engage in healthy conflicts from time to time. They work them out by being honest, vulnerable, and open with each other.
Adults with the fearful-avoidant attachment style can’t relate to any of these things. They’d rather run away instead of working things out with their partner.
Their relationships are not emotionally balanced
Their relationships are never emotionally linear. They may fall in love very quickly with their partners, but the relationship turns very chaotic shortly after. Fights and arguments ensue.
If they’re dating someone with an insecure attachment like the anxious or avoidant, they wouldn’t be able to regulate their emotions. Even a secure person can quickly lose his/her grip when they have constant fights with a fearful-avoidant.
They are more likely to engage in casual sex
Their emotional attachments and connections are superficial. No strings attached. They do this to avoid being vulnerable to others. They are also more likely to call off relationships abruptly.
Fearful-avoidant attachment style triggers
What triggers a fearful-avoidant person? Triggers could take any form. It could be seemingly small internal beliefs or external actions. Some of them include:
A fearful-avoidant’s mistrust of other people
Fear of abandonment
When their partner talks about commitment, marriage, and children a lot
If their partner or loved one doesn’t agree with their opinions and actions
When they do meaningful and thoughtful things for people and they fail to appreciate them
When they make mistakes or don’t meet certain behavioral standards
Being compared to other people
When their partner wants to talk to them after a long, hectic, and overwhelming day
How to change the fearful-avoidant attachment style
You’ve seen how disastrous this attachment style can be to your personal growth and relationships. How can one become more secure? It’s not easy, but it’s also not impossible.
Become Aware of Your Attachment Style
Once you realize that you have this attachment style, learn more about it. This goes a long way to explain to your friends and loved ones why you act the way you do. Read books, watch YouTube videos, and be very observant of how you respond to issues.
Don’t be hard on yourself
Learn to go easy on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for mistakes that your insecure attachment style caused you. You can become the loving and caring parent that you didn’t have growing up. Learn to treat yourself with love and respect.
Be more mindful of your actions
Developing a mindfulness practice and becoming self-aware is the best way to cope with this attachment style. Mindfulness involves being aware of your emotions and self-regulating them. When your partner or loved one is exhibiting an action, be aware of your response to those actions.
See a therapist
A lot of people who have this attachment style don’t seem to know that they have it. Yet, their relationships suffer from a lot of deep-rooted emotional issues. Therapy can help people with this attachment style to respond better to certain emotional traumas.
