Anxious attachment style is also called the anxious ambivalent attachment style. It is one of the three insecure attachment styles. This attachment style is developed when the parent or caregiver is emotionally insensitive or absent.
According to this theory, the bonds that children form with their parents or caregivers affect how they respond to various relationships. This impact follows them throughout their life.
Every child forms an attachment or emotional bond with their caregivers at an early age. This caregiver is a symbol of protection, provision, and safety.
Throughout evolution, children who are close to their caregivers are more likely to feel safe, protected, and survive adequately. They develop secure attachments that lead up to adulthood.
However, when a child doesn’t feel safe either due to emotional absence, insensitivity, or abuse, they form insecure attachments. One of which is the anxious attachment.
What causes the anxious attachment style?
Children develop an anxious attachment style when they have an emotionally insensitive parent. The parent can be loving and caring in one moment. In the next moment, they are emotionally distant from their children. They are misattuned to the child’s needs.
This causes severe anxiety in children because they feel they are responsible for their parent’s insensitivity. They don’t know what actions they will take that they will cause their caregivers to respond negatively.
Here are some behaviors from caregivers that could cause anxious attachment:
Inconsistent loving behavior
As mentioned earlier, inconsistent actions from caregivers induce anxiety in children. When parents’ actions vary between loving and emotionally distant, the children may feel like they’re unsure of what actions to take to obtain a loving behavior.
The child, then, begins to blame himself/herself for the caregiver’s behavior. Unknown to them, this may not be their fault. Many people were not raised in loving and affectionate homes. So, they’re bad at expressing love to their children.
They confuse this emotional unavailability with love because that’s the only form of love they were exposed to.
Trauma
Most people who were abused or traumatized as children often develop anxious attachments. This trauma can take different forms. It can be direct or indirect. It may be emotional abuse, physical abuse, divorce, molestation, poverty, etc.
Bad parenting method
Bad parenting methods or styles may also cause anxious attachment styles in children. In some cases, the parent may be emotionally absent or unavailable in the children’s lives. They aren’t focused on the child’s emotional needs.
On the other hand, the parent may be too controlling. The parent doesn’t allow the child to have freedom or to make choices that are suited for his age. This makes the child clingy, overdependent, and unable to make good choices for himself as an adult.
Anxious attachment style signs in children
How do you know that a child has an anxious attachment?
They are always anxious
This is the most obvious sign. Children with this attachment style are always anxious. This not only applies to their caregivers but to every other scenario. They always feel like something bad is going to happen to them. You’d often find them nervous, tense, or restless.
Frequent complaining
Children with anxious attachment styles are almost never satisfied with what they have. They complain about everything and have a strong sense of competition even amongst their peers.
They are very clingy
Children who are developing an anxious attachment style are often very clingy to their caregivers. They are afraid that a moment away from their caregiver could result in a change in behavior or treatment from them.
In most cases, they constantly need their caregivers to reassure them or remind them of their value.
They cry when separated from their caregiver
When their caregiver leaves, they become very sad. This is because they are unsure whether their parent’s attitude to them will change upon their return. They find it hard to love or commit to another person in the absence of their caregiver.
Anxious attachment style signs in adults
How do you know an adult has developed anxious attachment?
They require constant reassurance
Words of affirmation mean a lot to adults with anxious attachment. They need to be assured of your constant love and support towards them. They are excellent overthinkers.
If they have offended you in any way and you both manage to settle things, they will constantly ask you if you have completely forgiven them.
They are very clingy
Adults who have developed anxious attachment over time end up becoming very clingy. This affects them mostly in their romantic relationships. These people always want to be close to their partners or to people they care about.
They fear abandonment more than anything else
Children that grow up with inconsistent love become very anxious adults because they fear they will be abandoned. When their loved ones get upset or worried about something, they automatically assume that they are the reason. They fear that their actions may cause people to run away from them.
They also battle with low self-esteem.
Anxious attachment style in relationships
People with anxious attachment styles love intimacy and closeness. The relationships that they had with their parents didn’t avail them of vulnerability and intimacy. However, they don’t trust people, especially those close to them. Their childhood experiences created a high level of distrust in them.
This can make them insecure in their relationships. It also causes them to be very dependent on their partners, overly clingy and irritating, and possessive. Unknown to them, this behavior often pushes their partner away because they appear emotionally needy.
Anxious partners are very bad at communication. They don’t know how to express their emotions. Instead, they act out how they feel and behave in very disorderly ways. For example, they may get anxious when their partner doesn’t pick up his/her phone. They may get anxious if their partner goes out with friends and doesn’t return at the time he/she promised.
Does this mean that there is no hope for the anxious person? There is.
Because they need constant reassurance, their best bet at a healthy relationship is a secure person. Or it may be someone that is working towards having a secure attachment with them. Otherwise, they will keep attracting people with insecure attachments that will further worsen their anxiety.
Anxious attachment style triggers
People with anxious attachment styles have several insecurities. There are certain behaviors that people can exhibit that could trigger their anxiety. What are they?
Inconsistent behavior
This is one of the major triggers because it confirms their fear of abandonment or detachment. They are unsure of which actions they will exhibit that will cause you to detach, and that can make them very insecure.
Slow response
An anxious person may be triggered when their partner or close person doesn’t respond to calls or texts quickly. This makes them feel like they’re not a priority and will soon be abandoned at any moment. When they don’t know why their partner isn’t responding, this may cause them to worry about their safety.
Note: It’s okay to feel anxious at the beginning of the relationship. But this type of person is anxious every step of the relationship. There is no break.
Fear of relationship loss
As mentioned earlier, people with anxious attachment are insecure. Also, they are poor communicators. Once they perceive that they might lose the relationship, their anxiety will kick in. If their partner is expressing doubts about the relationship due to their behavior, they will rather become anxious than talk things over.
Long-distance
Anxious people need constant reassurance. Distance in any form, whether in location or communication, can threaten their peace and cause anxiety. Even if it’s for a short while. This is why they get scared when their partner doesn’t respond quickly.
Their partner doing things alone
Change can be frightening for people with this attachment style. When their partner starts doing new things or engaging in different activities, it can increase their anxiety.
For instance, if their partner goes for an event alone or makes a new friend (often of the opposite gender), they may get triggered. They may feel like they’re not exciting or interesting enough to retain your attention. It may also trigger feelings of abandonment.
Anxious attachment style and setting boundaries
Anxious people are the most self-aware. They understand the importance of setting boundaries to preserve their mental health, but often struggle to create and enforce these boundaries. This is understandable because they never learned how to regulate their emotions as children.
When they feel an overwhelming and distressing emotion, they can’t handle it on their own. They often need someone to help them manage those emotions.
However, most anxiously attached people set expectations instead of boundaries. If you tell your partner to always reassure you of his/her love, that is not a boundary. That is an expectation. Boundaries are supposed to be set and enforced by you, not by someone else.
For instance, let’s say your partner is fond of not responding to your calls or texts on time. Instead of telling him/her to start replying on time, tell your partner that if he/she doesn’t reply to your calls or send a text immediately, you will stop calling or responding to their calls until that behavior changes.
Now, that may sound scary because anxiously attached people get their validation and self-worth from their partners. But this is the best way to enforce your boundary and get the maximum intimacy that you desire.
How to change anxious attachment style
If you’ve developed an anxious attachment over the years, not to worry. It can change. All you have to do is to put in the work
Know your attachment style
The first step to solving any problem is to identify what the problem is. Look at the patterns in your relationships. Do you have connection, trust, and intimacy issues? Are you clingy or overly dependent on people?
Once you know what your attachment style is, you’re on your way to solving the problem.
Change your behavior
Once you have identified the problem, then you can stop yourself in the tracks when you’re making the same mistakes. Place yourself in other people’s shoes and start making changes that will result in a secure and healthy relationship
Relate with the right people
Anxiously attached people can be in a healthy relationship when they deal with the right people. A secure person will not only reassure them but also calm their emotions and give them some sense of stability
See a therapist
You need all the help you can get when overcoming this attachment style. You can reach out to friends and family members. However, since you haven’t built a high level of trust in them, try out therapy.
Seeing a specialist can help you to discover traumas and behaviors that you didn’t even know existed.
Conclusion
Note that the journey wouldn’t be easy because these connections were developed from childhood. However, it’s very possible to become secure and whole again with self-awareness and work on your part.
