Our attachment styles play a major role in how we parent our children later on. Childhood experiences force us to develop a certain attachment style, and this rubs off on how we interact with our children later on.
Parents are key attachment models because their interaction with us determines, to a large extent, how we view the world. This is why children who grow up as orphans, with single parents, or in abusive homes tend to develop insecure attachment styles.
They have trust issues and tend to become highly sensitive individuals who always feel like there is something out for their blood. People with unstable backgrounds don’t know how to lean on other people for support. Some of them might become too competitive not because they have a genuine interest to prove themselves right, but because they seek the validation they were denied as children.
This is why it’s so important for parents to listen and respond to the emotional needs of their children. Children who grow up in stable homes are very secure. They know their worth, their importance, and value, so they don’t seek external validation. Their relationships are built on mutual love, trust, and respect.
On the other hand, children who grow up in abusive or unstable homes are the total opposite. They have low self-esteem, low confidence, struggle to regulate their emotions, and often suffer from depression and anxiety.
In this article, we’d be looking at how parenting affects our attachment styles and the way we interact with people. Note that they don’t apply to everyone. They are just common characteristics. These characteristics can be affected by the different relationships we cultivate in our lives, especially our romantic relationships.
Parenting and the Four Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment:
Children who grow up in secure, stable, and balanced environments often develop secure attachments. They often have parents who are responsive to their emotional needs and encourage them to speak up without fear or favor. Children in such homes feel loved, protected, and cared for, so they don’t seek external validation from any third party.
One striking thing about people with this attachment style is that they’re not afraid to ask for help. There is no competition with anybody, whether in business, school or in the family, so they aren’t afraid to show their weaknesses. They know how to depend on others for emotional support, but they aren’t needy.
Children raised in stable environments are usually very optimistic. They see the positive side of everything and disregard the negative, sometimes to a fault. When it comes to emotional intimacy, they’re all in. They crave closeness and love, but are very independent and not afraid of rejection or loneliness.
Adults who grow up with this attachment style tend to show very consistent behaviors with their partners. They involve their partner’s feelings in most decisions they make, especially the ones that directly affect them.
How to make a child develop a secure attachment style
Every parent wants to raise healthy, happy children. What are the conditions that they need to meet to provide a safe and healthy environment for their children to grow and develop secure attachments?
Value your child
One of the characteristics of a child with secure attachment is that they have high self-esteem, and that starts with feeling valued and respected. If a child is treated with utmost respect and care at infancy, the self-value grows. Instead of the parents constantly complaining about what the child does at that age, they praise the child for who he/she is. They feel the joys of parenthood instead of worrying excessively about the chores.
Make your child feel safe
The first step to making your child feel safe is to protect him/her. How does a child translate this feeling of safety? By being close to his/her mother (in the cases where a mother isn’t present due to circumstances beyond the family’s control, the father). A child senses separation from his mother as a sign of danger.
A good mother knows when to be protective, but in a non-overwhelming or domineering way. She allows her child to explore and gives the freedom of choice, but doesn’t stay too far away. This way, the child knows that when they are in danger, they can always run to their mother for support, safety, and shelter. This also prevents them from dealing with emotional flooding as they grow older.
Let your child feel seen and known
Understand your child’s cues and emotional needs, and respond to them adequately. Your child should know that they can signal a need and have you respond to them as soon as possible. This way, your child doesn’t become needy or too distant.
Give your child constant reassurance
A parent that understands their child’s emotional needs must be ready to provide constant reassurance. Your child must know that your arms are open and inviting. When your child feels distressed or frustrated, there must be a model to support and reassure that child, pending when they’re mature enough to provide emotional stability for themselves.
Anxious Dependent Attachment Style
This is also known as the preoccupied or insecure-ambivalent attachment style. Children often develop this attachment style when their parents exhibit inconsistent behaviors.
Sometimes, these parents can be loving and caring. Other times, they can be cold, distant, and inattentive. Parents can also be slow in responding to their children’s needs. For instance, they’re scared of spoiling their child, so they leave him/her crying on the floor, thus leaving the child to cry more and more to gain their attention.
Because of this, these children are always on the edge. They don’t know what character to exhibit that will trigger any of these responses.
They’re called clingy because they crave attention and love excessively. As they grow into adults, they need more commitment, reassurance, and approval from their partners than normal. They notice any slight change in their partner’s behavior and this triggers anxiety.
Signs of anxious dependent attachment style in children
They cry very loudly and wildly to gain attention
They are very clingy
Children sometimes display aggressive behavior
They resist talking to strangers
Their anxiety levels are higher than normal
They have very poor social skills and peer interaction
Children have a hard time regulating their negative emotions
They become upset when their parent or caregiver leaves
Avoidant attachment style
This is also known as Dismissive-avoidant or insecure-avoidant attachment style. Children tend to cultivate this attachment style when their parents or caregivers disrespect or are unresponsive to their emotional needs. For instance, when a toddler cries so loudly but their parents leave them to attend to something else.
This feeling of rejection pushes them to pull away emotionally. As they become adults, they find it hard to navigate their emotions. They don’t know how to be open to other people, especially their romantic partners. This is why they struggle to maintain emotional relationships. They love or enjoy other people’s presence, but don’t allow them to get too close because of a self-belief that they don’t need them.
They push people away and claim to be emotionally independent because they’re scared of letting their guard down. As adults, they find it hard to say “I love you”. They shut down emotionally and don’t talk about their problems. Their behaviors send mixed messages. Most importantly, they’re experts at keeping secrets.
Signs of avoidant attachment style in children
Children refuse emotional support from people
Hate being around people
Find it hard to verbalize their emotions and feelings
Hate when people are clingy around them
Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
Disorganized-disoriented attachment style is another name. Children who develop this style have suffered years of sustained abuse, neglect, and tragedy. These children have had their feelings and emotions hurt time and time again and they have become accustomed to suffering.
Now, we all know that caregivers are a source of emotional support, care, love, and stability for their children. Now, children develop this attachment style because these caregivers continuously hurt and emotionally abuse these children. They are never there when needed, or they reject their children when they relay their emotional desires.
As a result, these children grow up to resist getting close to other people or getting intimate. In most cases, they crave affection and intimacy but find it very difficult to trust other people or ask for emotional support.
In other words, people with this attachment style have both high avoidance and high anxiety.
Signs in children
Always craving attention yet pushing people away
They always want to be by themselves
These children find it hard to express their feelings
Low self-esteem
Signs in parents
They detach from their children
People with fearful avoidant attachment style dread at the idea of becoming parents
